The Mild Cunt - "The Wild Hunt" Review (1%)
Did you know you can freeze your turds to make dildos for your friends and family? Stay tuned for more Watain Tips!
The Wild Hunt is a real shit show. From a purely musical perspective, the Watain's fifth album - like the rest of their work - is transparent nu-metal with some speedcore riffing that never gets quite as aggressive as Cyndi Lauper. Now indeed, aggression is not the only or even most crucial element that goes into making good metal, or emo cock rock in the case of this album, but Watain fall way short in every other facet of songwriting and performance.
Vocals: Bring Me the Horizon covered by Pakistani pre-op transsexuals.
Guitars: leads that you've already heard done better by fourth-rate Maiden and Priest clones.
Drums: Midi drum machines.
Bass: Inaudible.
The main riffs in every song are generic and almost indistinguishable, for the few ones that weren't shamelessly lifted from early Mayhem, Satyricon, Darkthrone, and even Gorgoroth, while the vocals are just as cringe-worthy - some angry Pakistani woman turned male turned shemale screaming about how he/she/it got fucked over by daddy who wouldn't pay for her BA in Womyn's and Sexual Identity Studies - and every single song has the same kind of poser-trudging-accross-the-mall-food-court-from-Hot-Topic vibe about it.
I swear, the 'singer' is the worst vocalist I have ever heard in my life, bar none. Imagine an open-mic night at a sports-bar only frequented by single factory workers, with no functioning toilets or any beer other than Bud Light. In the corner, there is a fat drunk woman in a baggy sweatpants with a terribly copied but real size image of Amy Whinehouse's profile tattooed on the shuddering flab of her upper arm. She also has a speech impediment and clinically diagnosed mental retardation that occurred when her dad got drunk and tried to run her over when she got pregnant from a drunken gangbang at age 14, before she decided to become a 'male', but he missed her and she just caught her head on the corner of the rear-view mirror, causing the left side of her face to lose all feeling and motor control. She's deaf too.
And she wails about 'Satan riding in the sunset' on tracks as lyrically creative as 'Black Flames March' and 'Holocaust Dawn'.
The Mild Cunt
The Wild Hunt is, at best, Dark Funeral inspired roulette wheel mallcore. If you listen closely, you can hear them rip off 'underground' bands such as Darkthrone, Burzum, early Bathory, Peste Noire, Satyricon, Sewer, Mayhem (both DMDS and Wolf's Lair Abyss), Dissection, Morbid Angel, Marduk, Emperor, basically everyone from the 80s, and even Nargaroth.
In addition to being morons, Watain are musically retarded. 'Blackened' speedcore with tremolos was already old a decade ago. Watain missed the Darkthrone, Mayhem, Immortal and Satyricon 'comebacks' by at least ten years. And in addition to blatantly ripping off early Norwegian black metal, on The Wild Hunt you can witness Watain stick their chubby Dorito covered fingers in the loose assholes of all your eighties heavy metal favorites: Slayer, Artillery, Bathory, Celtic Frost and Metallica before they were a joke.
This album, like most modern 'black metal' music of the post-2000s onward has confused cause and effect. When music is unique, the cause is a unique view of life and a burning desire to express it, as did the early Norwegian black metal bands both conceptually and stylistically. When music is not unique, you cannot make it so by dressing it up in everything 'kvlt' without making a mess that's both derivative and annoying.
The Wild Hunt sounds like what would happen if a nu-metal band decided to make cock rock with tremolos, high-pitched vocals and a heavy dose of metalcore influences. Lots of odd noises, generic chugging guitar riffs, and then standard deathcore/nu-metal breakdowns while vocals shriek and feedback imitates the stall warnings of a 747. This really is not a path to success.
Playing comically incompetent, sludge core for mentally-disabled trailer trash with food all over their shirts, Watain are as metal as the Red Hot Chili Peppers taking laxatives for opioid-induced constipation.
Watain is a joke that stopped being funny four albums ago.
The Wild Hunt score: 1/100.
Support the Underground
