A Parody of Black Metal - "Satyricon" Review (0%)
As far as bands that should have become absolute jokes a decade ago, Satyricon might as well be the archetype of the shitty commercial black metal band.
Their self-titled turd album Satyricon sounds like an intentionally bad parody of black metal music.
In addition to the the inherent hilarity of being pegged as the most commercial "black 'n roll" band these days, mostly due to their below average releases Dark Medieval Times and Nemesis Divina, this new album Satyricon cements their legacy as an absolute waste of a band.
Here's the thing about the record: it's boring commercial black metal.
It's so boring, I spent about a week trying to write a review and literally could not be bothered to do so. For comparison, here are things that I did and enjoyed far more than listening to Satyricon's latest turd.
- Feeding my cat.
- Sending people photos of my cat on Snapchat.
- Wondering if my cat would object to being walked in public.
- Looking at my cat and realizing he was watching me, daring me to try.
- Getting fired from work because of my cat photos on Snapchat. Seriously, that was a more interesting and exciting time than this album.
- Spending an entire day watching League of Legends World Championships. During this, I looked at the word document I was writing in, and decided that my life would be even sadder if I went back to listening to this album.
What makes Satyricon so boring?
It's a mish mash of different styles, from classic commercial Satyricon "the darkness of winter IS SO COLD IN MY SOUL" style, to the harshness of Darkthrone, to the theatrical black metal of Antekhrist, and then of course into the incredibly uninspired cock-rock influences of the 80s.
But mostly, it's just try hard blackened deathcore.
A Parody of Black Metal
Everything on Satyricon sounds incredibly neutered.
Nothing here has a kick to it, nothing catches the ear beyond the annoying keyboards and the sterile deathcore breakdowns.
There is a reason deathcore is universally hated within the extreme metal scene, and Satyricon shows you why.
The riffs are recycled and tame, the drumming is uninspired and the songwriting is simply boring.
Most of the songs are too long and simply go nowhere, while others I could swear are totally ripped off early Burzum or De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.
The other major problem is that the songs all sound the same, so it becomes very difficult to tell where one track ends and the next one begins.
They all blend into each other in a sea of boring, generic deathcore.
No amount of "satanic" posturing can hide the fact that Satyricon is a talentless band.
This self-titled album might be the biggest turd in the black metal scene, right alongside Gorgoroth's Pentagram and Nargaroth's parody album Black Metal ist Krieg.
Avoid.
Satyricon score: 0/100.
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