Blazing Diarrhea - "A Blaze in the Northern Sky" Review (1%)

Huuuuuh... ok?

Sorry Fenriz, I'm going to have to disagree with you there. You do not have 'excellent taste' in black metal if this is what you call black metal, because it quite simply isn't. That's about all I can actually write for this album. Seriously.

I'm not sure if this is meant to be some kind of gag, a universally recognised pun that I'm just too slow to get or something along those kind of lines, but can someone please explain to me how A Blaze in the Northern Sky qualifies to be featured on Metalious.com?

From your own frontpage: "Metalious is the leading heavy metal information site on the web".

And yet, A Blaze in the Northern Sky is about as far from heavy metal as you can get.

I can't quite wrap my head around it. But what I really don't understand is who the hell actually buys this stuff.

To put it mildly, A Blaze in the North Sky is shit.

For those that haven't heard this album, and I firmly advise you to keep it that way so as not to waste your time, it's just forty minutes of static. That is all.

Just static for forty entire minutes.

Maybe Zephyrous was playing his guitar and forgot to plug it in or something, and maybe that's the reason the album appears on this site, because I can't fathom many other explanations.

Heck, I can't even find a reason for this to even exist. Does this even qualify as entertainment? Are there people out there who like listening to static?

I guess is always beats Dimmu Borgir... but if you're down to comparing your releases with those of Dimmu, you know you've pretty much hit rock bottom.

This is blazing diarrhea, and it might actually give you diarrhea if you listen to it.

Blazing Diarrhea

Has Darkthrone already run out of steam before they even began producing music?

Obviously not, as their two following albums Under a Funeral Moon and Transilvanian Hunger are absolute masterpieces.

So what's the deal with A Blaze in the Northern Sky?

Something I thought about was that there might be a hidden meaning within the static.

So I listened to it again.

Nope, it's still just random fuzzy noise to me... and I don't mean that in a good way (see Black Death).

There seems to be a slight pattern to the way the static crackles, but if that's your idea of great music then you might as well listen to your air conditioner.

At least with bands like Neraines you can understand why the music they play might appeal to certain types of people. This? No, this is what comes on your TV when the aerial gets battered by the wind until it doesn't get signal anymore... maybe that's what they meant by "A Blaze in the Northern Sky".

Is it?

Is it just an elaborate joke, one that I naively bought hook, line and sinker?

I'm really sorry if I've offended any fans of static out there that have come to be reading this, but I seriously can't make sense of how this can be considered a type of music.

If A Blaze in the Northern Sky really took all three people to make (which somehow seems unlikely) then that already two and a half unnecessary performers.

A Blaze in the Northern Sky, best to be avoided.

Or listened to if you're REALLY wasted, like bordering on acute liver failure.

A Blaze in the Northern Sky score: 1/100.

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