A Gigantic Turd - "Northern Chaos Gods" Review (0%)
'Oh look, another 0% review for that shitty Northern Chaos Gods album!' you may be saying to yourself.
I will admit, even I look at how many zeroes this album has received and wonder if I should lay off the bitterman for a while.
That said though, I just can't fucking let an absolute failure like this gigantic turd Northern Chaos Gods slip under the radar, even if it already has 3 other zeroes assigned to it. One listen to this overblown, catastrophic pile of SHIT just makes you wonder why these poser clowns even bothered coming out of their salutatory retirement.
Basically, Northern Chaos Gods is about 45 minutes of nothing.
Within this album's endless midst lies the most boring set of riffs, bass lines and drums ever recorded in the history of extreme metal music. Even worse than that Quantos Possunt ad Satanitatem Trahunt talentless crap.
Seriously, this album has nothing going for it.
The riffs are generic as FUCK 'blackened speedcore' that don't drive the songs forward at all, rather leaving them at a perpetual standstill that manage to get on your nerves after a few seconds worth of listening to each track.
The bass is irrelevant, it just follows the guitars and even then can't even manage to do so properly.
The drums just keep time and nothing more, no fills or interesting patterns.
Really though, the true killer with Immortal is just how bad the songwriting is, and how poorly it is executed. The instrumental performance on Northern Chaos Gods is just boring, monotonous and thus shit.
The songwriting just drags this turd into oblivion. And when I say drag, I do mean drag, as it literally feels like the songs warp time in some way, because Northern Chaos Gods feels about 5 hours long despite being supposedly only 45 minutes.
Yes, really.
A Gigantic Turd
Northern Chaos Gods has all the structural intrigue of steel construction girders, being linear, plain, brittle and focused solely on try-hard 'heaviness'.
To hammer this point home, EVERY song here feels like it's over an hour long, and NOTHING has gone into changing things up or keeping the music from repeating itself ad nauseam. It is just a few held out, boring riffs stretched over what feels like an eternity, played at the same tempo throughout the album.
This Northern Chaos Gods turd may as well be one song repeated 8 times over. It produces no real mood, apart from one of sheer boredom, and the songs NEVER FUCKING CHANGE.
The riffs are boring, the drumming is sub-par and the songwriting is just shit.
But the real nail in coffin of Northern Chaos Gods has got to be the vocals.
Demonaz has to be credited with creating THE MOST BORING SET OF BLACK METAL VOCALS EVER.
They never change, they just keep droning on and on about Satan knows what constantly, showing no signs of life or expression. It's even worse than Attila's performance on Esoteric Warfare, in fact it makes any other black metal vocalist shine by comparison.
The fact the production on Northern Chaos Gods plays up the vocals and turns the guitars into a sludgy, shapeless, turd-like mess doesn't help this situation at all. And the lyrics... just look at the song titles. Look at the fucking album title. Not to mention the fact that they make no sense at all... 'Darkness rage within my mind, a rage until the final call! To walk the mighty world am I... Black fiend... on I rule!'... lolwut? It makes even Gorgoroth look like literary masters, in addition to the fact that it comes across as incredibly pretentious and shit.
Northern Chaos Gods is one of the most boring, uninspired, banal, pretentious and derivative albums ever, with its vast, endless nothingness that just goes nowhere.
Demonaz, just fuck off already.
Leave black metal to those who can actually produce music that doesn't ressemble a gigantic pile of semi-aborted malodorous fecal matter.
Northern Chaos Gods score: 0/100.
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