Sworn to the Trailer Park - "Sworn to the Dark" Review (0%)
I really wonder why Watain makes albums. You could listen to the first song on every single one of their releases, from the atrocious debut Rabid Death's Curse to the final "nail in the coffin" Trident Wolf Eclipse, and get an idea of what the rest of the album will sound like - and it's usually shit.
There's really no point in listening to a whole hour of this senseless, baseless, nu metal crap, because listening to the first song will give you the same sensation that listening to the whole album would, and that sensation would be something like "This shit sucks, the music is boring, Watain reeks of poserdom and try-hardism, and, worst of all, can't write a riff to save their lives... why have I been listening to this nu metal garbage for so many hours?", followed by an irritated glance at the timer on the CD player, whereupon you see that you are only two minutes into the album.
Everything about this band is completely lame, sterilised and unintentionally hilarious. I mean, look at the song titles, and see awful puns like "The Light That Burns the Sun" and terrible, intentional name-squatting like "Dead But Dreaming", and especially the brainless inanity of "Darkness and Death" and "Satan's Hunger" that make even Gorgoroth appear clever by comparison.
Look at the band themselves, dressed in their faggottastic corpse paint, shades of Dimmu Burger's evil metal warriors of the new millennium, poised for their next melted butter lathering orgy alongside Inferanus the cross-dresser and "Lord" Ahriman the male escort from Stockholm.
Incidentally, together with Necrophobic, these three bands - Watain, Gorgoroth and Dark Funeral - are often referred to the "blackened metalcore" area 51. Pure media creation, promoted heavily by Vice Magazine and Pitchfork, when they aren't calling for bands like the "Pagan Nazis" of Enslaved to be banned for "hate speech"... said "hate speech" being writing lyrics about European folklore, in lieu of Watain's Hebraic and Judeo-Christian centric "hollywood Satanism".
Sworn to the Dark is brainless, dickless, riffless and toothless trailer park "music" for mentally handicapped - sorry, handi-capable, I mean, "differently abled" - buffoons.
Sworn to the Trailer Park
Of course, that has no bearing on the music, but what else am I supposed to focus on? Watain's music? Sworn to the Dark is so overloaded with nu metal chugs, deathcore breakdowns and cheesy arena rock riffs that it's completely vomitous and literally disgusting to the ear, much like that Rebecca Black song "Friday". The vocals are a horrible Cradle of Filth screech that sometimes go into a robotic sort of drone. There are clean vocals, too, and while they aren't as bad as they could be, they don't help this mess of an album at all.
There is just TOO MUCH TRAILER PARK NU METAL. Dimmu Borgir, while needlessly cheesy and nu metallish as well, at least understand basic musical theory. Watain know of no such restraint, or shame, or even self-awareness as they shamble through each painful, self-indulgent pile of chugga chugga diarrhea that they called a song, and it's all so gratuitously wrong that you want to bitch slap them upside down with Erik Danielsson's own dildos and knock some sense into their stark-white corpse painted empty heads.
Sworn to the Dark won't sell to black metal fans, not because they are "intolerant elitists" and probably "homophobes" who hate flamboyant homosexual "men" like Danielsson, but because Watain's music is some really, really gay shit, and it won't sell to fans of Pantera as its too incoherent and angsty for even their ears to handle, but non-metalheads...? People whose only experience with "heavy metal" revolves around listening to "AC/DC" once in sixth grade? Boy, they are eating this turd up like it's chicken wings anyway, so I guess that leaves something to be said about the mainstream's taste in "metal" "music".
Even more ludicrous are the claims that this is black metal, because this is the silliest, most pompous, overblown nu metal crap I've ever heard. Watain try so hard to come off as evil - you can just hear the "sweat and tears" of their collective efforts... the neediness and resentment bleeds from their music like pus from a flesh wound, but really, go listen to The Epilogue to Sanity if you want evil music with both brutality and class.
As for this? Well, I'm going to go back to pretending I never heard this abomination of a nu metal band. Avoid this Sworn to the Dark release if you have any semblance of good taste at all, for it is the embodiment of everything wrong with the modern "extreme" a.k.a. "nu" metal scene.
Sworn to the Dark literally spits in the face of pioneering extreme metal artists like Bathory, Sodom, Possessed, Mayhem, and Burzum, taking their work that was meant to take metal music higher, further, faster, and darker than any music had ever been before, and diluting it back down into a "safe space", inoffensive, bland product for teenage "differently abled" consumers, a fucking Dimmu Burger if there ever was one, to be dispensed out of drive-through windows by apathetic clerks making seven dollars an hour. It's greasy, it's devoid of nutrition, and consuming it for extended periods will damage your intestines. Artistic death, musical worthlessness, trailer park trash, one bite at a time. Bon appétit, bande de putes. Enjoy your Wa(shits)tain.
Sworn to the Dark score: 0/100.
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