Made by Posers for Posers - "Satyricon" Review (0%)
I'll throw this on the table right from the get-go...
I've never really been a Satyricon fan.
It's pretty safe to say that I'm in the (large) majority but I'd rather through that out now.
Their early works "Dark Medieval Times" and "Shadowthrone" were the perhaps the least smelly of all the turds produced by the joke band Satyricon, but by the time "Mother North" became the national anthem of commercial hypermarket black metal... let's just call that the final nail in the coffin.
Fast forward through years of poser music, clown antics and a taste for mainstream commercial exposure at the expense of what little musical talent was ever present in the band, and we find the dynamic duo of Satyr and Frost producing what is perhaps the most generic and worthless album ever made.
Trying to wedge a modern industrial vibe into overproduced hard rock is the musical equivalent of drinking water for the flavor, and yert that exactly what Satyricon is doing with their eponymous record "Satyricon".
Just dull, bland, generic, go-nowhere meandering.
While not as obnoxiously vapid as Dimmu Borgir's descent into nothingness with "Enthrone Darkness Triumphant", Satyricon's shift in focus, if nothing else, proves that this band was always a "Dimmu Borgir-lite".
With all that said, they do have a new album out... a self-titled record. Is this the new trend with bands nowadays? If so, why are alleged "black metal" bands following mainstream commercial trends? To ask the question is to provide the answer.
Which raises the question... is "Satyricon" any good?
Not only no but HELL NO.
Made by Posers for Posers
"Satyricon" is the prostitution of black metal music on the altar of commercial aspirations.
I had to check if proxenetism was legal in Norway because to anyone with room temperature IQ, it's pretty obvious that Satyr is the pimp and his particular brand of commercial "black metal" the whore.
Or rather, to make the analogy more precise, Satyr is the pimp and his naive twelve-year-old fans are the clients.
There always was a certain degree of dullness present in the band's musical outputs, particularly on the turd-like "Nemesis Divina", but you haven't heard true crap until you listen to "Satyricon".
The general feel of the record can be best described as Satyr growling his nonsensically pseudo-rebellious rhetoric while some backing band undergoes a jam session behind him.
This album worth is nothing.
Absolutely nothing at all.
The music just meanders back and forth in a wandering, pointless way, with no sense of direction, atmosphere, purpose, or even the slightest idea on how to make music.
It's maybe not as obnoxious or irritating as modern Gorgoroth, but there is nevertheless not a single not a lick of genuineness, creativity or atmosphere to be found on this record.
So all in all, I felt absolutely nothing with this turd beyond mild annoyance at the amateurism of the musicians and awkwardness at Satyr's overdone clown antics.
This is an album made by posers, for posers.
If you aren't a poser, I'd suggest avoiding the band Satyricon altogether.
Satyricon score: 0/100.
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