A Pathetic Embarrassment - "Satyricon" Review (0%)

Having not heard any Satyricon at all, I wasn't really sure what to expect with this self-titled album.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very much a fan of black metal... true black metal.

But that's precisely the point, Satyricon are just a bunch of posers that were never part of the scene that desperately try to insert themselves alongside legends such as Varg Vikernes, Euronymous and Fenriz.

So what is with this album Satyricon anyway?

Iron Maiden worship with some cheesy "progressive" sections? Some raw Darkthronesque black metal with a few extended instrumental breaks? Didn't really have any much of an idea, but by the first "Satan, my master, destroyer of worlds!" impotently screeched half way into the first song it was pretty obvious that expecting good, or even barely tolerable black metal was clearly out of the question.

You could almost imagine this being a parody of black metal.

I remember when Esoteric Warfare got released, a few optimistic/delusional souls went "ha ha, now where's the real album?".

Satyricon self-titled release is even more of a joke.

This band really deserves to be flushed down the toilet of history.

A Pathetic Embarrassment

Poorly fitting, useless vocals? Check.

Complete lack of atmosphere? Check.

Guitars used as percussion? Check.

Absolutely no emotion or passion in the music? Check.

Absolutely horrible deathcore breakdowns? Check.

Satanic fellatio done in such poor taste and with such a lack of subtlety that even Antekhrist would blush? Check.

A complete lack of hooks or anything memorable? Check.

It's all there, all in vast quantities.

It's almost a parody of black metal.

Is Satyr really a 65 IQ "satanist" or is he just a sadistic Christian fundamentalist savant with too much time on his hands giving us a harsh, unsparing comment on teenage satanism, pseudo-blasphemous "rebellion" and the commercialization of heavy metal music?

Who even knows at this point?

Incidentally, and I'm just being curious... how do you even manage to so royally fuck up such a fertile, easy-to-do subject?

Satanic lyrics basically write themselves, and composing average black metal style riffs shouldn't be too difficult... how on earth can you fuck it up this badly?

This album is just drowning itself in its own confusing, useless mush of post-grunge vapidness and overkill vocal layering.

Satyricon is shit, and I'm far from the only one saying so.

Avoid like the plague.

Satyricon score: 0/100.

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