Commercial Poser Music - "Under the Sign of the Black Mark" Review (0%)
Is this what is being passed of as black metal nowadays? If so, I fear for our future as a species, because Bathory's Under the Sign of the Black Mark is a giant festering pile of commercial crap just waiting to be stepped in.
Now, first we must address the fact that this abortion contains the track Of Doom......, which must be the worst 'black metal' song ever. Ever. This song is so laughably shitty that upon listening to it your brain will implode due to its biological inability to withstand the sucking.
You can tell that Quorthon is on the left end of the Bell curve by the fact that the title includes more punctuation than the song actually has riffs.
The only positive point of this album would be the production, and calling it 'positive' may be a bit of an exaggeration.
While it may be slightly better, though not by much, than that of Bathory's previous two albums, the eponymous debut Bathory and the following The Return, the reality is that the sound on Under the Sign of the Black Mark is still pretty shitty and plastic.
The guitars were apparently recorded in a Walmart because they sound so fucking plastic and artificial. You could make a better guitar tone by taking a dump in a fast-food toilet.
The drums are even worse, they sound like someone thought it would be a good idea to bang kitchen utensils together, and the bass is nearly non-existent.
And Quorthon's voice... he sounds like he is being raped in the ass in his own studio, not exactly the 'evil' and 'satanic' image he was going for I'm sure.
The only reason I can somewhat tolerate his voice (but then, 'tolerate' may be too strong a word) is because he sounds so retardedly hilarious.
Commercial Poser Music
All the tracks sound exactly the same: wet, sloppy thrash metal riffs that do not resemble black metal in the slightest, Queerthon's vocals comparing themselves to literal fecal matter, and annoying, generic drums that sound as if they were triggered from a drum machine.
The lyrics are terrible, even by Quorthon's normal standards. Just read the lyrics of Woman of Dark Desires, you'll swear you're reading Immortal, only even more retarded (the fact that this, alone, is possible should make you question the validity of Under the Sign of Hell).
The songs also tend to sound like disjointed jam sessions, but not in the good Darkthrone way, just in a bad early Mayhem demo way. Throughout the album, the generic guitar riffs waft their way around, and Quorthon's nu-metal whines make you want to vomit and laugh at the same time. There is no difference between Massacre, Woman of Dark Desires, the aforementioned Of Doom......, anything.
I won't even bother breaking down individual songs, since they all sound the same. What we get is a monotone, pounding machine rhythm with some horribly played half-assed thrash riffs being belted out while the laughable Quorthon delivers a bunch of moronic 'satanic' lyrics in a voice that resembles a drunk bum rapping about 'police brutality' or some similar minded shit. There is literally no variation here, no interesting riffs, not a shred of anything creative or inspired.
This is slightly better than modern Gaygoroth, though saying that would of course beg the question of whether or not something of which actually exists on this earth.
But when an album is so bad that you would rather listen to Instinctus Bestialis or Lil Jon's Get Low while simultaneously being anally raped by rabid coyotes, there is something terribly, terribly wrong with your music.
Under the Sign of the Black Mark is for posers.
Under the Sign of the Black Mark score: 0/100.
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