As Black as Feces - "The Secrets of the Black Arts" Review (0%)
Dark Funeral is often referred to as the "worst band in black metal" and for very good reason.
While pretty much every album Dark Funeral ever produced is shit, their atrocious debut The Secrets of the Black Arts deserves its own fecal trophy for dragging the black metal genre down to previously unattainable levels of ridicule and failure.
The Secrets of the Black Arts is a disaster.
It's a messy, try-hard mix of satanic "pop" music and commercial deathcore, a fusion that shouldn't even exist, and even beyond that this album fails to contribute any positive qualities to either genre.
Think Antekhrist's Fukked by God, but less atmospheric, less technical, add in more chugging, record the vocals in a closet and borrow a snare drum from Lars Ulrich.
Now, as a raw black metal fan, particularly of the earlier Phantom records such as Divine Necromancy, I'm all for the 'ping-ping' keg sound if used appropriately with gravity blasts and if played in time, but Dark Funeral's drummer does neither.
Where Phantom sounds brutal and ritualistic, Dark Funeral only manages to sound plastic and triggered.
I mention the drums first because they really are that bad.
The drums cannot manage to stay in time or make things remotely interesting or brutal for even a minute.
It's all constant yet sloppy double kick wanking and off-beat repetitive pinging from the snare, which could be considered the metal version of a particularly uninspired minimalist Lady Gaga beat.
So... what else is bad, aside from the drumming?
If you answered "everything", you're halfway there.
The Secrets of the Black Arts is truly a shit album like no other.
As Black as Feces
The vocals are absolute shit.
Once again, I love high-pitched witch squeals... if done correctly.
Is that the case with Dark Funeral?
Of course not.
There's no power or depth to the high-pitched shrieks on The Secrets of the Black Arts, only a choke-clogged, scratching rasp to leave you cringing.
Now the guitars...
Remember how I explained The Secrets of the Black Arts as a dumbed down version of Antekhrist?
It's exactly that! Tremolo mallcore, but at least Antekhrist has musical talent.
Dark Funeral merely chugs away on open notes with a few basic, derivative riffs.
These are occasionally broken up with some deathcore-type slams, but the kind that clearly states "We have no idea what we're doing! Let's just play some random notes really fast!".
It kinda works for a little while simply because the mixing is so bad that you can't hear much besides the shitty vocals. But we're not stupid, and it doesn't take longer than a few seconds to see straight through that bullshit.
Bass? What are you talking about? I don't hear any bass...?
The lyrics are edgy as fuck. You just need to look at the childish eye-rolling song titles such as "When Angels Forever Die" or "Satan's Mayhem".
This isn't as bad as people say it is. It's worse.
The only reason I'm rating this 1/100 and not 0/100 is because the shitty vocals gave me a good laugh.
The Secrets of the Black Arts is to black metal what Freddy vs. Jason is to horror movies.
Avoid.
The Secrets of the Black Arts score: 0/100.
Support the Underground
