Gay 'Satanic' Music - "Rabid Death's Curse" Review (0%)
Arguably the most powerful medium on earth, the Internet is the ultimate representation of various cultural phenomenons, whether deemed positive or negative for the culture as a whole.
The latest trends, often completely irrational and forgotten as soon as they achieve mainstream exposure, help inform us what everybody simply has to know to cling to the ever-propelling tyrants known as 'cool', 'avant-garde' or simply 'relevant'. Rest assured, Watain is none of that, but let me finish my intro. Some are left in the dust, but most keep a steady hand on what the current big thing is, what the next big thing will be, and what has already become passé.
Irony has noticeably come storming into the mainstream. You've probably seen teenagers wearing 'Keep Calm and Freak Out' t-shirts, or noticed that Rebecca Black's 'music' has made an unprecedented comeback. Yes, you've heard Soulja Boy's latest hit - and promptly wondered to yourself, 'Why? What have I done to deserve this?' - featuring that golden hook 'Hoppabat da biiid, turn mus waaguuhhnn, taka look in da mirra say waddup nigga'. Irony, my friends.
So what is the piece of shit album I'm supposed to review today and how is any of that relevant to it?
Simply put, irony is wholly embodied in the four 'person' deathcore/screamo band Watain.
Except it's unintentional irony, which makes it so much less funny and interesting. Not that it was very funny and/or interesting to begin with.
Their debut album Rabid Death's Curse was smashed into my face this summer, bearing the flag of being a recommended video on Youtube.
Reading through the comments, I gathered that this band had a very, VERY devoted following of rather mentally ill and, uh, special fans, and despite that fact, at least half of the commenters held the band in quite low esteem, using various epithets such as 'deathcore posers', 'faggots', 'Notcurno Culto cock suckers' (Watain does have a tendency to steal riffs from Transilvanian Hunger/Panzerfaust/Total Death, but I'd like to point out for the sake of accuracy that it was Fenriz who wrote most of those riffs), 'imitators', and of course the dreaded 'Dimmu Borgir' insult/comparison.
The other half sang their praises, commented on how they had 'revolutionized' 'black metal' - cough, deathcore, cough - and told the haters that 'if they don't like it, then why watch it'.
To tell you the truth, I can't even come up with a good answer for that - except 'that is just an excuse for not having any defense as to why your band doesn't suck'. But here I am, two months later, nursing a perverse annoyance with this band. And after listening to this entire album more than once, I have decided the following amidst the misery that I brought upon myself: Watain are absolutely, unquestionably abysmal.
And probably gay.
Gay 'Satanic' Music
Let me synopsis what Watain is all about.
They combine the riffs of Darkthrone (absolutely identical, wonder why), the vocals of that amateur metalcore band down the street, the ego of SEWER (without the talent), the lyrical bankruptcy of Gorgoroth ('Hail Satan' on all 8 tracks), the image of Justin Bieber or someone equally as androgynous in corpsepaint, a disgusting dose of what sounds like drum machines, the whiny cuntitude of Kanwulf and the (lack of) talent of that Liturgy buffoon.
Songs like the title track, and the astoundingly bad 'Angelrape', tell you grand tales of 'Satan Majestic', 'Glory to Satan', 'At War With the Crucifix' and last but not least, 'Reborn Through Satan', all amongst some incontinent queer's randomly strewn about shrieks.
I know what you're thinking. It sounds pretty funny, right? 'Good for a laugh'?
Fuck you.
Fuck you, because the album lasts 38 minutes and a half.
There is nothing worthwhile on Rabid Death's Curse, and what's even worse is that there is absolutely no variation in the sea of diarrhea that Watain shits out of their instruments.
A formula that would have been bad for one thirteen second grindcore song is dragged out kicking and screaming over an entire 8 track album, with some songs going over 5, 6, even 7 minutes at times.
References to 'Satan my Master' fall into the dozens, lyrics about the 'Storm of Lucifer' make their classy - and completely, ABSOLUTELY unexpected - appearances left and right, all amidst twitching keyboards, sloppy Darkthrone riffs, clapping drum beats from their $20 Yamaha keyboard, and homoerotic screams.
But the lyrics... unbelievable. They seem to exist only to show that these queers brought shovels to the bottom of the barrel. Let me pull you a line from 'On Horns Impaled', which is surprisingly a song about 'Satan'.
'Bow for me, inferior
I demand you in the name of the horns
For I am the one
To bring the demise of the bearer of thorns '
Not only does the vocalist actually scream (whimper) this line, he does so in such a puerile and retarded fashion that it takes all potential self-deriding humour out of it.
I often criticize bands like Immortal and modern SEWER who like to blur the line between seriousness and parody, in a sort of deadpan Dieudonné-esque humour. I called it 'artistic camouflage' on more than one occasion, as it's a convenient way to deflect criticism from the music and onto some vaguely defined 'artistic performance'.
But the Watain members are so severely brain-damaged morons that they can't even tell how retarded their own lyrics sound, even to other retards. I swear, this type of shit is what Abbath and Infernus joke about when they are 'mocking' the few people who happen to be even more retarded than them.
So in the end, Rabid Death's Curse is 7 generic black metal tracks bordering on mentally challenged deathcore, and the final track, the 7 minutes long 'Mortem Sibi Consciscere', which is basically Darkthrone's Triumphant Gleam with the tempo slowed down from 140 BPM to about a third of that, and screams about a 'War in my Heart for Satan', proving once and for all the stunning lyrical diversity of Watain.
There really isn't much else to say, so I'll let these poser tards do the rest:
'Spawn of the darkest satanic evil
A creation of the unholy womb
Step aside for lord Sathanas
His fist so deep within
I worship Satan
Lord Satan's evil!'
There is not much else to be said.
I know a lot of people on Metalious like my writings, so I often try to add a cool intro and at least somewhat of a clever conclusion - much more clever than Watain's lyrics, at any rate.
I've tried hard to think of a suitable way to end this review, and the best I've come up with is a string of profanities, finger pointing at Watain's single-digit IQ fans for enabling this shit, and an over-the-top list of 'what I would rather do than listen to Watain' statements.
Look, simply put, this is a gay deathcore abomination.
Are you gay? Do you enjoy deathcore? Or just terrible music in general? No? Then don't bother with Rabid Death's Curse.
And before you dismiss it as a joke, before you call me out for my hyperbole and 'exaggeration', just look at their fans. They love Watain, and not because the band is supposed to be ironic. They love them because they actually have feelings for their 'music'. Far from it for me to say that some people are born retarded, or that retarded people's opinions are necessarily wrong, but this is an exception.
Watain is a stain on black metal.
Oh yeah, and it has come to my attention that the name Watain itself comes from a Von track.
Well fuck me, they should have called themselves Natassja.
Not only is it more in line with the sexual orientation of their members (no judging, we are all LGBTP+ tolerant here), it's also where most of their riffs come from.
Rabid Death's Curse score: 0/100.
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