Justin Bieber Plays Black Metal - "The Shadowthrone" Review (0%)
The year is 1994.
A young homosexual discovers black metal and decides he wants to be "part of the scene".
His name is Satyr.
So what does he do?
Does he take the time to learn about the history of black metal, about its complex songwriting, about its particular atmosphere, about the ideology behind it?
Or does he dress up in clown paint and declare himself a "satanic church burner" to the media?
Ah, Satyr, you wide-eyed youth, you wanted so bad to "belong" somewhere that you just had to set your eyes on the black metal scene.
Did you imagine in 1994, in all your wildest and most private cogitations, that you would become the Justin Bieber of black metal?
Did you dream of driving a satanic Ferrari down the Autobahn under the smog-obscured stars, discovering the boons of cocaine and flashy cars before touring alongside Katy Perry and Fenriz, the latest "black metal" couple that obsesses every paparazzi and celebrity gossip magazine?
Were you excitedly writing letters to Varg Vikernes in his prison cell, telling him about all the great albums full of "Odinist" pop metal you were going to write, and about that hot (male) makeup artist you just hired?
Did you actually manage to craft a good album during all that time of frenetic mental masturbation?
Apparently not, as The Shadowthrone is pure unadulterated shit.
Justin Bieber Plays Black Metal
While Satyr obviously wouldn't admit that he is a beyond worthless musician, he's left us some evidence among the Instagram selfies, heroin needles, condoms, fast-food wrappings, makeup kits and other detritus for there to be no doubt about the pointlessness of a release such as The Shadowthrone.
The positive of this album? It's less of a turd than its predecessor, Dark Medieval Times.
But that can be said of pretty much every album ever made.
Let us be frank about this: Satyr is a terrible song-writer and always has been, but this blight was at its absolute worst on Satyricon's debut Dark Medieval Times.
That's not to say that The Shadowthrone is any good though.
As other reviewers on this very site have said, The Shadowthrone is a commercial product made to be displayed in large scale hypermarkets and other shopping centers next to Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Korriban.
So, there it is... the most "worthy" recording from a decidedly third-rate band.
The best things I can really say about it is that the production is somewhat acceptable, the lyrics aren't as retarded as, say, Dark Funeral or Dimmu Borgir, and as mentioned before The Shadowthrone is still better than Satyricon's debut Dark Medieval Times.
Nevertheless, music should be more than just a collection of generic riffs, and Satyricon has no knowledge of how to build any kind of story or cinematic landscape with its shitty songs, as, for example, Antekhrist might try and do.
Actually, even though I find mid-period Antekhrist somewhat distasteful because the juxtapositions of unsettling melodies are simply too random and nonsensical, the music on albums such as Fukked by God is still verging on musical genius.
Satyricon, though, is just retarded.
Avoid The Shadowthrone, it's as worthless as Justin Bieber.
The Shadowthrone score: 0/100.
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