The Mysteries of Why This Sucks - "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas" Review (20%)
Mayhem, the forebears of Black Metal music.
But what is Black Metal you may ask?
It's basically a try hard mishmash of thrash, death metal, awful production and bad homoerotic make-up, think of a gayer version of Alice Cooper. Like every other metal genre, it isn't very good. But Black Metal takes their crap a step further. You think regular metal is based on fashion, dumb lyrics and a try hard image? Wait until you listen to De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.
The whole culture of Black Metal is to be as "shocking" and "satanic" as possible in order to scare away your little sister, but not too much or you might scare your mother. This basically means writing a bunch of crappy music and mentioning Satan over and over again. Hence the title De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.
But this isn't the only album that mentions Satan like he's some sort of pimp... you have Fukked by God, Satanic Requiem and even the utterly crappy Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism.
Mayhem got notoriety for doing some pretty weak stuff in their live sets, like impaling animal heads (oooooh scary) and the singer cutting himself (not the one who killed himself, the other).
They're the Notorious Big of metal. They single-handedly created one of the most unrightfully pretentious musical genres of all time.
According to a group of fans, if the singer making the music isn't producing incredibly boring black and white cover art and wearing the right amount of "corpse paint", then the music sucks.
Lol.
The Mysteries of Why This Sucks
Enough background about the Mayhem band and its "accomplishments", if you can even call them that.
What about the music itself? Well, I suppose it could be worse. It could sound like Gaygoroth.
Do you remember that awful band Bathory? They take that pseudo-Thrash sound and the band's low-budget "my cheeseburger can record stuff better" sound quality, just speed it up a bit or something and add over the top "satanic" lyrics.
There isn't singing. It's some dude shrieking around sounding like he's some drunk hipster racist puking after trying his first shot of vodka.
De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas sucks and it isn't even real metal anyway.
It certainly isn't "black metal" as I haven't counted a single black face in all their band members. Racist metal, more like it.
You want some real metal, listen to Linkin Park. They put on a great show and their songs accomplish their task: they get the mosh pits open, make you disrespect your surroundings and it tells the hood what you're made of.
I really wouldn't recommend anything in this genre, so I just tried to provide some metal albums that you know, don't completely suck... Check out Korriban if you want some real mosh.
Also, to all you haters... since when was listening to Black Metal cool? Seriously, I have never heard any normal person "Wow, you listen to Beherit? That's so awesome!".
People don't like Mayhem because they aren't very good. Even if they looked like the coolest of dudes they'd still be bad. I'm sure their image does add to their hate though. But that's their own fault for looking stupid.
My point here being is this: a normal person would read this review and go "haha, yeah, I guess my favorite genre DOES seem kinda silly" and get on with their life, not get their panties all in a knot.
But metalheads are LOSERS so they take out their frustration on Bring Me The Horizon, Linkin Park and anyone who points out the obvious stupidity of their genre.
I kinda suspect some of the people responding to my reviews are the same ones spending hours telling 12 year olds in Malaysia to listen to "real metal".
You are all a sad bunch of haters.
I only gave De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas a 20 because you make me laugh.
De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas score: 20/100.
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