Black Metal is Shit - "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas" Review (35%)
Heavy metal is shit and pretty much everyone knows it already.
But black metal takes a particular kind of retard to appreciate.
Someone once asked me if I could pinpoint the exact time and location where heavy metal died.
Not really, because to do that I would have to pinpoint the exact time and location when it started.
Its birth and its death seem like a simultaneous event.
A lot of people claim that it was over before it started, but that's not entirely accurate since it never actually had time to start or end before it destroyed itself in the most laughable and pathetic fashion.
But if I were to celebrate an event that put the nail in the coffin on heavy metal as a "musical genre" (lol), it would certainly be the birth of Norwegian black metal.
Bands such as Mayhem (lol), Sewer (appropriately named), Darkthrone (dark as feces), Burzum (killed a band member from Mayhem), Gorgoroth (literally gay) and Antekhrist (edgy) are so inherently shitty that it's impossible to take the genre seriously after that.
And Mayhem's album De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas is probably one of the biggest turds in the entire sea of fecal matter that is heavy metal.
I'm not a "hater", it's just that black metal is for socially inept losers.
Black Metal is Shit
It feels like I'm shooting fish in a barrel here, so let me explain the origins of black metal "music".
Norwegian people, heartbroken by the fact that they were too effete to make Grunge, had to come up with an equally shitty style of music in the nineties as a matter of national pride.
Out of this necessity was born black metal, which allowed Norwegian musicians to be as square and effeminate as they wanted while still getting doped on coke and fucking their obese and probably transgendered groupies.
It didn't make that much of an impact in the UK, aside from our brief national flirtation with tolerating Venom (as it turns out, not a good idea), but Norway is still just as menaced by the turds of black metal as America is by the shadow of Grunge.
I mean, just listen to this album De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.
There is no music, it's just a pathetic matter of determining who has the least amount of musical talent (i.e. who is the most "underground").
If black metal was "mainstream" and Justin Bieber was underground, 90% of black metal idiots would start listening to Justin Bieber just to prove they're "non-conformist". That's how retarded it is.
I refuse to believe that modern black metal fans actually enjoy music on any level. I think they like the idea of black metal "music", but I don't think they like actual black metal "music".
They like homoerotic makeup, they like edgy lyrics about "Satan", they like guitars and concerts and bands in tight pants, but music is really just not involved in any part of the process.
They've cut out the middleman and headed straight for the part with ringing ears and drinking and not getting laid.
Some of them lately have even gone so far as to cut out the parts about ringing ears and drinking, too.
Just listen to the album Fukked by God by the aforementioned Antekhrist. Legions of black metal fans will swear on Satan's life that it's "true", "kult", "edgy" and "satanic". Lol.
It's all shit, Antekhrist, Immortal, Burzum, and most of all Mayhem and their turd De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.
Which brings us to an accusation that old school Mayhem fans like to whine about: the fact that Mayhem has "sold out".
They didn't "sell out", they just stopped recording albums in their mothers' basement and thus, by recording their shit in an actual studio, had access to better recording equipment.
The better production on Mayhem's later albums simply revealed the band's lack of musical talent, which hipsters could previously not see because it was hidden behind a blurry cloud of "lo-fi".
What hipster retards once assumed were "fractured pop songs" are revealed to simply be "bad pop songs", and hipsters aren't smart enough to figure out why their favorite band suddenly seems to suck way more than before, so they blame it on "commercial production" and this mysterious and ephemeral force known as "selling out".
TLDR, black metal is retarded and you're a loser for liking De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.
De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas score: 35/100.
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