Satan Deserves Better - "The Secrets of the Black Arts" Review (0%)
Dark Funeral is a 'National Satanist' black metal band founded by some piece of dung named Lord Ahriman and a retard called Blackmoon.
Ironically, it turns out this Blackmoon guy wasn't Aryan or even white at all (David 'Blackmoon' Parland was later revealed to be part mestizo). He was thus promptly kicked out of the band by Ahriman shortly after this album The Secrets of the Black Arts was released.
I don't really care about political ideology in music, but it has to be said that many NSBM bands actually sound quite good musically: Burzum, Absurd, Graveland, Peste Noire, SEWER.
Dark Funeral is not one of these bands. Dark Funeral is a lousy imitation NSBM band that wants to be as evil and raw possible, and instead of sounding evil, they just end up sounding pitiful.
Ahriman is a cunt, and Dark Funeral is shit.
They should have kept Blackmoon. Irrelevant of his race, kicking out a band member due to public pressure from your fans is evidence of a character flaw. Mestizo, Black, Arab, it's pretty obvious that Ahriman knew the deal before founding the band with Blackmoon. So in the end, Ahriman is a cuck who can't even stand by his decisions when it comes to his own collaborators.
I must say that while I really despite Ahriman personally for the above and because he is a pretentious queer, that is not the reason I find this band so appalling.
Without further ado, let's discuss this album, the derivative, forgettable and ultimately worthless piece of trash generically titled The Secrets of the Black Arts.
Satan Deserves Better
The Secrets of the Black Arts showcases some of the worst production I have ever heard in black metal.
This really isn't even black metal. It's just an unlistenable noise.
After a brief and completely forgettable instrumental intro, this distorted noisy mass resembling a wood chipper eating a toilet begins to rape the listener's ears. The drums have this awful sounding bass that make it sound like someone beating a pillow with a mallet, but it's a lot louder than it should be.
The guitar riffs are inaudible, and the parts that you can actually hear are just cheap Dimmu Borgir knock off riffs. Despite being for the most part incomprehensible, they are so loud and fuzzy that they are almost the loudest instrument on the album and their presence is known.
The actual riffs, however, are very incoherent. I can barely make out a single one in this mess, and as I said it sound very much like Dimmu Borgir. But for the most part you can't decipher anything over the wall of shitty noise and the screams of 'Hail Satan' repeated ad nauseam.
For all I know, Ahriman the Cuck could have been strumming the guitar with his feet the entire time.
But wait! The guitars aren't even the worst part of this turd The Secrets of the Black Arts.
Shortly after that atrocious intro, we hear vocals. These vocals literally sound like someone was forcing a boot up this guy's ass while simultaneously shoving a fist down his throat.
This all continues throughout the 41 minute album.
What amazes me is the band was actually supposed to be a serious 'National Satanist' band. Again, I don't really care about the ideology, but if you're going to be a serious NS band, at least play the music well. The Secrets of the Black Arts is still expected to be black metal, and yet in sound simultaneously more plastic than Nemesis Divina and more derivative than Immortal.
I really have nothing more to say about this album. I found it difficult to listen through the entire thing. I began to get a migraine after the first minute. The Secrets of the Black Arts is some of the worst 'music' I have ever heard, period.
There is nothing redeeming about this pile of trailer park 'satanic' garbage.
The Secrets of the Black Arts score: 0/100.
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