Modern Cock Rock Disaster - "Emperor's Return" Review (5%)
One reason why I don't have a whole lot of reviews under the 20% range is that I don't go out of my way looking for things that would piss me off.
I prefer to find the great things in life, such as Bathory's Twilight of the Gods or Phantom's Memento Mori and tell people they are idiots if they don't like it.
The "hype" around Celtic Frost's early work, and this EP Emperor's Return in particular, just seemed to radiate "AIDS party" even more than a Gorgoroth poster, so I steered clear of it. Plus, that album cover sucks. It's not even the fact that it doesn't fall under "trve kvlt black metal art design" mania, its the fact that it looks like some sort of celebrity endorsed Goosebump novel for the mentally retarded.
That's not a good idea, no matter what genre you're in and what type of music you play.
Nonetheless, the inspiration to write seemed to strike after looking at positive reviews from other reviewers on Metalious.com, so I decided to give this sucker a spin.
But let's judge the book by its pages rather than its cover.
The pages seem to read... modern rock.
That's what this Emperor's Return turd sounds like. Modern rock/metalcore with screechy vocals, speed metal technique, the occasional blast beat and some fast picking.
Nowhere is this more apparent than in opening track "Circle of the Tyrants", which sound like your average generic Sodom/Slayer clone from the 1980s, except every 90 seconds or so the band decides to "break it down" and go into full out Slipknot mode.
Yes, Emperor's Return is that bad.
Modern Cock Rock Disaster
Many bands these days gain hype over music that is seemingly dedicated to the lowest common denominator, music that prides itself on black metal aesthetics while staying musically as far away from black metal as they can - i.e. bands like Watain, Dimmu Borgir, Summoning, Antekhrist, Satyricon, etc.
Celtic Frost is no exception.
Lacking any semblance of feeling and imagination, Emperor's Return seems to continue to make its rounds among non-metalheads, whereas fans of extreme metal music find its content quite ugly and repulsive.
I find this baffling personally. How can you call yourself "metal" when your fan-base doesn't even listen to metal?
The first time I listened to this album, my thoughts varied. "Why do something Bathory perfected years ago?", "Why are the riffs absolutely lifeless and boring?", "Why is this considered metal?" and last but not least "Why in the world is this consistently overrated artistic turd considered good?".
Emperor's Return marks a regression, not progression, from the early Hellhammer demos. Despite their imperfection, they at least had soul and atmosphere to make up for the sub-par musicianship, unlike this shit.
I tried listening again. This album absolutely did not grow on me. If anything, it festered like an abscess which I would gladly have removed, in the hopes of never experiencing it again.
The lack of imagination in the music itself, seemingly defined as a "masterpiece" and a "work of art" by people who hate metal, or only ever listen to it once every Tuesday night, greatly outweighs the few fleeting moments of decent writing.
I do not revel in writing such a bad review about a band that is clearly talented. If Celtic Frost were to release a new album, I would attempt to listen to it in the hopes that they do not repeat the cock rock disaster that is Emperor's Return.
Emperor's Return score: 5/100.
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