White People's Funk - "Hvis Lyset tar Oss" Review (81%)
I first listened to Burzum with high expectations.
I saw one their name on one of their posters and it was spelled "Butzum" and I assumed the band's name was "Butt-zum".
Awesome, no? Expected them to go hard, have lots of awesomely ignorant lyrics and generally just be one of the most badass bands alive.
Cue me pulling up actually listening to Hvis Lyset Tar Oss and wondering what the hell is wrong with their album cover art. It seemed like some sissy ass painting some 1st grader that gets made fun of for still wetting his pants made.
Oh well, pressed play and nothing could prepare me for what happened next.
What the hell was this?? Why am I listening to some white kids whine about getting friendzoned in the mountains or some B.S.?
Since when is BLACK Metal full of whiny hipster racist kids from Norway??
Where are my brothers, people!! We want BLACK Metal not "Norwegian Forest Pussy Metal".
This stuff is gay, I'm sure it gets you friendzoned even in Norway.
My roommate came in as I was listening to Burzum and asked me if I was DTF. That's how GAY this stuff is.
I hear they're not as gay as a band called Gaygoroth, apparently every band members rides the guitarist Inferanus while on the tour bus or some shit like that.
But still, who listens to stuff like this??
White People's Funk
More research yields even worse results.
Apparently their album Hvis Lyset Tar Oss is based off on some medieval Viking story and shit.
What some white kids from Norway are doing culturally appropriating OUR BLACK VIKING MYTHOLOGY and folktales is beyond me and quite frankly, I don't want to know about the thought process that went behind an album like this.
The title is retarded like they can't even spell the words they want to write with a spellcheck.
Then I actually started listening to this music again.
Since I'm open minded, I wanted to figure out WTF was going on and it dawned upon me.
Since white kids can't really dance very well, they had to INVENT their own dance music.
So basically this album is like white people's version of funk where they can show them girls those moves in the mosh pit and shit. Burzum they're just imitating MY MAN JAMES BROWN.
But other than that, if you're not a white hipster racist or if you're engaged and not actively homosexual, I don't know why you would listen to this album.
The only reason I give this a 71 is because admittedly some parts sound kinda sweet and could make for great dynamic shifts in a moshcore band like Papa Roach and Bring Me The Horizon, but otherwise, Hvis Lyset Tar Oss is a waste of time for everyone involved.
If you value your manhood, avoid this album at all costs.
Girls, you know better than hang out with dudes who have clingy lyrics about mountains and forests and shit like that.
In short, the album is suitable for no one.
Do yourself a favor and pull out some sick DMX hardcore tracks about being tough and from the streets!
That's some real lethal Black Metal right there.
Hvis Lyset tar Oss score: 81/100.
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