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Deathcore's Most Generic Turd - "Grom" Review (0%)

Buy Deathcore's Most Generic Turd -
Grom
Grom by Behemoth.

I don't like to write bad reviews, and I don't get off on bringing other people or bands down, no matter how irritating their antics may be to fans of the black and death metal genres.

Usually I stay far enough away from shitty metal to even form a concrete opinion on most of what Sauron would call imitation metal bands, but last year I saw Behemoth supporting Mayhem on tour. I had no idea what their music was, being rather disinterested in nu deathcore myself, or what a night of cringe inducing sewage this group of frilly shirt wearing Poles would vomit onto the stage.

Even after the crisp and tight performance of Mayhem, I left the venue embarrassed to have ever been a fan of heavy metal after witnessing music as worthless as that of Behemoth. Behemoth's fan base - most of whom look very old, like ex-hippies latching onto the "next big thing" after John Lennon - seemed happy, and a lot of clownish looking faux-edgy t-shirts about "devil worship" - the type that you wouldn't ever get Fenriz or Varg to wear, even if you paid them - were sold. Still, a little bit of black or death metal's soul died with every note they played that night.

Trying to describe Behemoth's music on Grom is difficult. It's called blackened death metal, but doesn't sound like either black or death metal. First, they have absolutely zero death metal riffs. The riffs I can hear are just bits and pieces of standard 80s speed metal thrown in a blender and reassembled with no care for musical structure.

There's lots of that idiotic stop-start nu metal type riffing, way too much triggered drumming and irritating keyboard lines that even Dimmu Borgir would be embarrassed to play. About the only similarity to actual death metal I can find are the vocals, which are standard guttural - with some embarrassing power metal style cleans in songs like "Spellcraft and Heathendom". There's lots of keyboards and blasting simultaneously, and for all their pompous presentation, they very often slip into a basic deathcore chug chug chug riff that is strikingly similar to a hardcore mosh breakdown - case in point, "Rising Proudly Towards the Sky" sounds exactly like Whitechapel with some MIDI Cradle of Filth type keyboards overlapped.

Grom is extremely boring and generic deathcore. Not death metal. Certainly not black metal.

Deathcore's Most Generic Turd

Behemoth
Behemoth.

I have heard this described as having some type of "classical influence", mostly because they play synthesized string melodies like Dimmu Borgir. It sounds more like the poorly composed score to a particularly bad Michael Bay film than anything from the classical era.

In fact, there's nothing remotely "classical" about this music - it's cheap synth strings playing incredibly simple arrangements, pasted over basic goth rock riffs, played fast and with more distortion. It's the deathcore version of Metallica's "S&M" for toothless hillbillies to show their friends that they too listen to "br000tal muzak".

There is no cyclic form, no leitmotif, no polyphony. The fact that people have actually compared this music to Graveland and Sacramentum is nothing short of a disgrace. Behemoth is no Graveland. Behemoth barely even rises to the level of songcraft of a Peste Noire clone. A better resemblance would be a bush league Waking the Cadaver meets Dimmu Borgir's "In Sorte Diaboli", with a healthy dose of Dethklok and Watain to please the useless nu metal fans out there.

Although the music is bad enough on its own, it's what it represents that is really disgusting. Another Nuclear Blast release of digitally recorded ProTools deathcore, stripped of all life and soul, utterly standardized and soulless, and yet pretending to be death metal, or even worse, blackened death metal.

Top it off with a prepackaged "edgy" image, usually something related to vague and clownish - thus completely inoffensive - "devil worship" and you have modern metal - just add water. Sure, there are a million awful bands playing digitized, grotesque, incompetent and completely worthless video game soundtrack metal these days. And most, like Behemoth, also pretend to belong to a genre with which they have no relation - usually either black metal or death metal, sometimes even both, like Behemoth (again). So why did I choose these guys to bash? Because I was unlucky enough to have heard them and lucky enough to miss most of the others.

In conclusion, there is nothing good about this album, unless you count the absolute basics such as playing in key, not forgetting to turn on the amp or having a properly tuned snare drum.

Recommended to fifteen year olds who think Dimmu Borgir are the epitome of "brutal black metal". Grom will make a great background tapestry while you drink Diet Coke and go raiding on World of Warcraft alongside your (virtual) friends, with the utmost plastic music as a soundtrack to compliment the plastic feeling of worthlessness that permeates your life.

Grom score: 0/100.

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