Tard Music - "The Apocalyptic Triumphator" Review (0%)
Hi everyone, I'd like you to meet my Down's syndrome child, Archgoat.
He sits in his room all day and practices stuff he knows other bands have done, and then vomits it back in a random order so that there's enough for a 'war metal' album.
Any time he gets confused and starts to cry, we just double the tempo, add some blast-beats and then he starts barfing out incomprehensible lyrics recycled from a giant pile of clichés we keep in the diaper room.
You might recognize intense moments from the last twenty years of 'minimalist' black metal, stripped of all context and power, rendered incompetently.
But he's my tard, and I support him in all his endeavors, so I'm going to write completely insincere praise about the alleged 'atmosphere' and 'rawness' of The Apocalyptic Triumphator. What a cool name by the way, am I right?
He thought of it all by himself like a bigboi. I suggested 'Drawing Down the Poon', in reference to the fact that he's unlikely to ever get laid, because of his medical condition but mostly because he writes such trite and derivative music.
Archgoat, you need to actually write riffs guys. Those riffs need to go in songs. This is metal, this is not your garage practice jam session. Stop pretending the product of your wanking is Phantom or Beherit, especially if you don't understand what made either of those two bands great in the first place.
Throw your jizz tissues in the trash and take the trash out before your alcoholic dad finds them next to his Vaseline and belts you.
Tard Music
The secret to efficient marketing is found in the word 'different'.
A successful salesperson presents an ordinary product in a way that makes it appears new, groundbreaking, luxurious or otherwise distinctive. In music, the best method to make something 'trendy' is to put a new spin on something that has already been beaten to dead. Thus cloaked, it allows its listeners to appreciate the same stuff everyone else was listening to, often decades before, but with its different appearance they can now claim that they are both 'avant-garde' and unique special snowflakes.
Archgoat took the idea of simplistic nu-metal/metalcore - redundant 'riffs' that include strumming power chords randomly and using guitars as a percussive instrument - and put a black metal face on it, via brain damaged lyrical imbecility - the name of the album should give you a hint towards what type of mock satanic juvenile shit you're dealing with.
If the vocals and drumming were removed, good portions of this album would appear to have come from any generic worthless nu-metal band such as Korn, Slipknot, Drowning Pool... I don't know any other but my guess is that they sound exactly like the rest, including Archgoat.
The real problem here - as in all X-core derived music - is that unlike metal, this is vocal and rhythm driven not riff driven.
The riffs tag along for the ride as the vocals tell you things it thinks you want to hear - i.e., generic overdone 'Hail Satan' nonsense of the Gorgoroth school of shit - while the drums pound on their monotonous, mid-paced blast beats, with the occasional change of tempo during the groove inspired chorus.
Retarded nu-metal with black metal aesthetics, not in any manner convincing.
As such, The Apocalyptic Triumphator is not only a duplicitous pretender to the black metal throne, but worse, is musically incoherent which results in mental confusion and outright boredom.
The Apocalyptic Triumphator score: 0/100.
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